Psychosis…pretty scared word. Psychotic break.. scary words..but there I was, completely detached from reality, and living on a heightened aura in a magic realm. Alice has nothing on me.
But seriously, mental illness is weird. Now, I am not sure if its “bad” to say this, but I will always remember my psychosis as one of the best times of my life. BUT also the scariest .. plus I made some terrible terrible decisions. But it was life changing and whether it was just a surge of brain chemicals all out of wack or something more, it was a spiritual experience.
This was my first manic episode(thus leading to my Bipolar diagnosis). It went so high that it broke off into psychosis. This my friends, is where life got really strange.
I should start by going over a few of the events leading up to my breakdown. I had Just moved out of my parents home that I had lived in for over 25 years to move to Toronto with my boyfriend. I had just left my serving job, lost 5000$ gamling, and got diagnosed with celiac disease. Me and my boyfriend lasted not even 3 months before I realized he was hiding things from me and most likely cheating, and I snapped. My brain literally snapped. It was too much to handle, too much stress and I was also smoking a whole lot of Pot. I will write another article soon about marijuana being linked to psychosis.
Anyways, so I got on a trip to North Bay with my sisters and I was losing it the whole ride up. Me and my sister Ang drove in my car, and my sister Sofie and the boys went in her car. I had to get Ang to drive, or well she basically said she is driving because something is wrong with me. I was soooo paranoid!! My ipad was speaking to me, the bible was speaking to me, the animals were all speaking to me and I felt this intense feeling of running out of time and urgently needing to do something. It was almost like anxiety x 10000000 but different. The world around me had a completely different feel and I started feeling like I was in the twiilight zone. Things just felt weird and I was terrifed something bad was about to happen. A black raven came and landed on a tree on my front porch before we left my house, and I thought it meant someone was going to die that weekend. I really truly thought this.
After that strange, scary ride that lasted 6 hours of me being deluded, we got to North Bay. I don’t remember much of the details once we arrived, but I do remember the grande finale. Basically at the end of the trip, or maybe it was the middle, I thought I was in the spirit realm. I was fighting demons, going out into the forest alone in the middle of the night, sitting on a rock in the water and staring at the moon for 3 hours. I was non stop communicating with God, and I had to save the world and bring everyone to Jesus! It was such an intense surreal feeling of needing to save people. The last thing I remember was being in the water with my nephew Noah, thinking the Rapture was about to happen..and in stead, an ambulance showed up.
So at this point, I’m like I knew it! I knew they were coming for me! The government knew everything I knew and they are trying to shut me up! So now I am being told I am crazy and getting locked up. The ambulance put me in the back and tried to tranquilize me which I immediately freaked when I seen the needle, and broke out the back and RAN. LIKE RAN FOR MY LIFE. My sister was chasing me at first and I just kept running. I thought everyone was a demon and was out to get me. All of a sudden I see the police and panic even more. For some reason my eyes zereod in on one of the officers guns, and I lost it. I thought he was going to shoot me. So I do the whole run from the cops thing and eventually im captured, or actually I think I surrendered. They handcuffed me threw me on the cop car which was a horrible experience as my sisters watched crying. My nephew looked so scared. It was probably a horrific experience for everyone involved. Anyways I pleaded with the cop in the car to believe in Jesus or they would kill him too. I thought he was taking me to my ressurection. I was right then and there willing to die for my faith, and to this day I still think that was quite noble.
Okay sooooo. Once I get to the hospital. Mind you, I am in North Bay, 6 hours from my hometown in Brampton. So they put me in a room, where they tell me to lay down and goto sleep. I was soaking wet and in a friggen bathing suit and I remember them giving me a bunch of blankets. A cop stayed with me in the room who was super nice to me. I guess I passed out, and woke up in such a weird trance. I couldn’t see clearly, I wasn’t even sure if my eyes were open, but I could hear voices all around me. I could hear my nephews, my sisters, my friends, everyone.. I didn’t know where they were, but they were all there. It was weird. I kept getting up to go see the voices and someone kept stopping me (security) But it was like the voices were calling me so I kept getting up to see them. The security guard said something to someone and they I seen a different secuirty guard and maybe a nurse? She asked me a bunch of questions.. no clue what she asked me but I remember she told me I’m a healer. I always remember that because I have always wanted to heal others and have always found comfort in the art of healing.In my psychosis I believed this girl was my sister Sofie and the security was my brother George. They looked so much like them.
Anyways I get moved to a different section of the hospital. Now there are other patients there and there is more stuff going on. I meet some people, think they are all people they aren’t, have crazy talk with people, braid peoples hair and yeah thats most of what I remember there. Then I go up another level in the hospital. Now I am in an even more “exciting” place. I am out of my mind manic and everything is fun and interesting and magical. I believe at this point God is keeping me in here because the tribulation is going on outside in the “Real world”. So I meet some other interesting people, have more very weird and strange conversations that all made sense, and am high as a kite the whole time. They have me medicated but it’s not doing much at this point, I’m still in la la land.
So at some point it hits me how far away from home I am, and that it would takes 6 hours for people to visit me. While my sisters were still in North Bay they came to see me, but then they went back home and I was left in the psych ward. I remember demanding they send me to Brampton so I could be with my family and I don’t know if that was really even a possibility but all of a sudden one of the nurses told me I would be going. Somehow I got to take a private Jet from North Bay to Brampton. It was awesome! I felt like a movie star in my grandiose manic state and I was literally on cloud 9. They let me take pictures on the plane and I entertained everyone around me. Fun.
So now I am in Brampton Civic Hospital. NOOOOOO omg this place is SO different from North Bay! It was not as friendly or welcoming and I remember still going on and on that its the end of the world and the government is going to kill us all. Funny things though, all the “crazy people” get what other “crazy people” mean about everything and we all had like some weird secret code language and the whole thing was bizarre. But fascinating.
I haven’t even mentioned that I called my ex boyfriend. Who ruined my life and I think triggered this bipolar disorder to begin with. He had hurt me years prior and I had never truly forgiven or gotten over him. Something was weighing on my heart telling me I needed to forgive him to find peace. So I called him. Big mistake. I was in the depths of my psychosis during this call, and I remember going on to him that the rapture was going to happen and that I forgave him for everything in the past because God would want me to forgive him. So that is what I was doing but then it just went somewhere it should not have. He was visiting me at the hospital and bringing me food (oh all while he had a pregnant gf). In this state I thought nothing was wrong with this ?? And by the end of my hospital stint I was moving back in with him and we were together again. Now this had been the love of my life and we had a lot of history that should have stayed as just history. He had moved on with his life but here he was with me while I have gone mad, and somehow convinced me he always loved me, never got over me and still wanted us to be together. He told me he didn’t want to be with his gf just that she was pregnant. If I had been in a right state of mind, this whole scenario would not have happened. But as I was in psychosis and detached from reality, somehow thinking this is what God wanted me to do. Lol, more like the devil. Oh yeah, my ex is a psychopath. The whole experience felt like spiritual warfare and at some points I believed I was possessed and other points I believed I was an Angel of the Lord. A lot of people believe psychosis is actually a spiritual awakening. It really does feel that way and I was praying and fasting a lot before it began as well. Sometimes I do still wonder if it is all illness, or there is something more to it. What do you guys think?
So I got diagnosed bipolar, they let me out, and I continued in a heightened state for at least 2 more weeks before the meds really brought me down. Psychosis was a truly out of world experience, a place I believe no drug could ever take you, and I am still quite puzzled and curious about what it all meant. I had a deep connection with numbers, patterns and synchronicities, and saw connections others could not. I believe it may have even opened up a deeper psychic ability. I have always had psychic abilities, or strong intution, but this seemed to have intensified all that. I learned through it my intense need to help people(save them I should say) and my capacity to love. I felt so much pure love and joy, that I know exists on another plane. I believe one day, that is the place we will all be, in a blissful happy reality based on love.
There is so much more just small details and i’m sure stuff I don’t remember.. but it truly was a trip down the rabbit hole. I would love to hear others experiences with Psychosis and mental illness in general .
Sara Kay xx