I am so happy to anyone that has somehow reached my website. I have created it to document my personal journey with mental health, spirituality and self love. I am passionate about showing people the power in believing in themselves and honoring their struggles.
I have lived a turbulent, rollercoaster life. It was not the life I had always destined to live, but it was the life I was given. Eventually my nightmares turned into my dreams, and my pains into my power and my struggles into my victories. Here is the story of a girl, a diamond, who was sharpened through the fire.
Let me tell you a little bit about me today. So, this is me! My name is Sara and I am 30 years old. I currently work as a public speaker telling my story in schools to kids anywhere from k-12. I have even spoken in Universities, addiction centres, shelters, and many other community events. I am so passionate about my work and I truly feel blessed and grateful for being given this opportunity. I have been doing this for about 2 years, and being able to openly talk about my struggles and experiences has been so therapeutic. I wish for my blog to become a safe space where people feel free to express themselves with no judgement. I had a lot of fear of judgement growing up. It was a big reason why I did not seek help or really even open up to anyone about how bad I was struggling. I used to tell myself that I will seem weak, or weird or outright ridiculous If I ask for help. I went through years of emotional turmoil, heartbreaking losses and horrible decisions. Toxic relationships, substance use and a whole lot of low self esteem. I felt like a complete basket case at times. It wasn’t until I was 28 years old..after years and years of pain and suffering and confusion..I was formerly diagnosed with Bipolar disorder.
Ah, Bipolar. That terrifying word.
Damnitt! I thought. I AM fucking crazy. The period of time I had got diagnosed I was in a psychotic episode. Yup, it’s just as terrifying as it sounds. PSY-CHO-TIC. That will have to be its own blog post and I will write it soon. My whole journey through psychosis, it will really be something.
Anyways. Following my manic psychotic episode, I fell into the worst state of suicidal depression I have ever experienced. This was truly a terrifying experience, more so maybe than the psychosis, as I lost ALL will to live. I had made quite a few big mistakes during my psychotic break, and the reality set in first and then the depression. Who the hell was that?! The difference between manic me and depressed me is something else. Like 2 different people. But its not, they are both me. Just at different chemical frequencies? I don’t know, something like that. And my psychiatrist said the higher you go, the lower you go. That made sense. I had never been so high, nor so low ever, although I had experienced the bipolar mood instability my whole life.
Right, so back to the suicidal depression. That state lasted for 6 months or so, and it was brutal. My dominant thought, sometimes my only thought, was how do I die? How do I get the fuck out of here?! Help!! Im suffocating help!!! I have no clue whats going on it just needs to stop and I need out this will never stop I need out! If you have experienced depression, you know the void I am talking about. The never impending doom. The complete loss of motivation to even get out of bed, or shower, or just move. Death is all you crave. And you cry because it is not fair you have to live, while being told that life is a gift. You feel utterly guilty for all your own pessimism, but it won’t go away.
I could not speak to people because I had nothing to add to the conversation. The only thing on my mind was death, and I would obsess over it. I did not thankfully take my life(obviously)I had a good friend take his life years ago, and I was so heartbroken and never truly healed from that. I imagined me causing my family that pain, but also me being free as well. I held on for as long as I could, through the darkness, clinging to whatever was left of me. I became closer to God during this time, although the beginning of my depression I questioned his existence. I don’t want to ever do that again, I believe in a God and I believe I am here for a purpose he created me for.
I had changed medications a few times. Most sucked and made me feel horrible and like a non functioning zombie. They fueled my depressions by zapping my energy. I also gained a lot of weight on these meds. The one I am on now, Lamictal, is good. It is a mood stabilizer and I really noticed it lifted my depression when I was at an all time low.
When I had gotten out of the hospital for my manic episode(hospitalized for 3 weeks) I was put into a day program. It was also run out of the hospital I stayed at. The program was to teach you about mental illness, emotions, feelings, coping strategies ect. It was a good program. It was 2 months though and then it was over. My dad and my sister decided I needed more help(Because I really did) and I ended up seeing a caseworker weekly. She was kind of just like my friend we would talk I would tell her what I have been doing, my goals, and was good to get me moving and out of the house. Well one day she suggested to me a job, where I get to share my story with kids in schools. I was like uh you mean get up in front of assemblies and talk? I don’t think so! But then I thought about it a bit more and I thought sure you know what I can do this. So I wrote up a speech, went to my first assembly, shaking and nervous with cue cards in my hand, and absolutely loved it. I have been sharing my story and inspiring others ever since.
I made this website so that I can reach an even bigger audience of people, thus helping more people to realize they are not alone! I will answer any questions anyone has and truly enjoy helping people.
The moment I realized we don’t attract what we want, we attract what we are, I became my greatest version.Sara Kay